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Dunne, Finley Peter, 1867-1936

"Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"

Dooley, "an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed
up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble
is that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se
left f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at
home an' he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin'
out some one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he
don't go over as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th'
case may be) I don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in
argymint befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll
hurt me thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not that la-
ad. He gets a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or Schwartzmeister
as th' case may be) is no good. To begin with he's a Dutchman. If that
ain't enough he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous wretch that wuddent
lave wan iv our counthrymen ate a square meal if he had his way. I'll
give ye all two dollars a week if ye'll go over an' desthroy him.' An'
th' other la-ad, what does he do? He calls in th' neighbors an' says he:
'Dooley is sindin' down a gang iv savages to murdher me. Do ye lave
ye'er wurruk an' ye'er families an' rally ar-round me an' where ye see
me plug hat wave do ye go in th' other direction,' he says, 'an' slay
th' brutal inimy,' he says.


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