He doesn't tell an' so he's rewarded with th' love iv th' heroine,
an honest English girl out f'r th' money."
"Nobody's marrid in th' modhern play, Hinnissy, an' that's a good thing,
too, f'r annywan that got marrid wud have th' worst iv it. In th' ol'
times th' la-ads that announces what's goin' to happen in the first act,
always promised ye a happy marredge in th' end an' as ivrybody's lookin'
f'r a happy marredge, that held the aujeence. Now ye know that th' hero
with th' wretched past is goin' to elope with th' dhrunken lady an' th'
play is goin' to end with th' couples prettily divorced in th' centher
iv th' stage. 'Tis called real life an' mebbe that's what it is, but f'r
me I don't want to see real life on th' stage. I can see that anny day.
What I want is f'r th' spotless gintleman to saw th' la-ad with th'
cigareet into two-be-fours an' marry th' lady that doesn't dhrink much
while th' aujeence is puttin' on their coats."
"Why don't they play Shakespere any more?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
"I undherstand," said Mr. Dooley, "that they're goin' to dhramatize
Shakespere whin th' dhramatizer gets through with th' 'Report iv th'
Cinsus Department f'r 1899-1900.'"
TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE
"I wisht th' campaign was over," said Mr.
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